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Orubebe v Oshiomhole, fedora v khaki

Oshiomhole v Orubebe: The lightweight contest

In the Broom Corner we have Adams “Baba Osho” Oshiomhole, governor of Edo State and from the All Progressives Congress (APC).

Clown Adams prepares for attack with a broom
Clown Adams prepares for attack with a broom

In the Umbrella Corner we have Godsday “Elder” Orubebe, former Minister of State for the Niger Delta and from the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP).

Fedora-wearing clown Orubebe foaming in the mouth
Fedora-wearing clown Orubebe foaming in the mouth

Round One: Godsday comes out swinging hoping to make it his day by landing a haymaker on the dimunitive Oshiomhole. He throws a left jab: “Oshiomhole is an ingrate and a popular villa sycophant who is quick to switch allegiance to whomever is in power.”

Rather than take this on the chin, Baba Osho counters, in an attempt to make it doomsday for Godsday: “It is no surprise that the former president, Goodluck Jonathan, failed woefully because he surrounded himself with such charlatans as Godsday Orubebe, whose only credential is his ethnic origin and the large size of his bowler hat.”

The ref steps in to remind Oshiomhole that Orubebe favours a fedora and not a bowler hat and the bell rings to end the round.

Round Two: Orubebe tries to show Oshiomhole that his khaki no be leather, but Oshiomhole continues to throw punches in bunches: “Here was a man whose un-ministerial conduct at the election nearly plunged the nation into an avoidable crisis. Does Orubebe really think Nigerians are fools, does he truly believe Nigerians have forgotten so soon the ignoble role he played in his attempt to truncate the release of the election results and announcement of the eventual winner of that election, a move which could have plunged the nation into another civil war?”

The tiny turd Oshiomhole smells blood and throws an uppercut: “Is it not a shame that Orubebe who should be cooling off his heel in jail for that failed plot to truncate democracy has now found a convoluted voice? We are not surprised at the timing of Orubebe’s latest outburst. It is no doubt unconnected with the planned probe by President Muhammadu Buhari of the billions of naira allocated to the Ministry of Niger Delta Affairs, even as the East-West road remains in bad shape and the probe of the fleecing of amnesty funds under his watch.”

Orubebe is bobbing and weaving, ducking and diving, slipping and sliding, but the Oshiomhole punches keep coming.

Round Three: Oshiomhole comes out swinging: “We are aware that Orubebe, the perpetual noise maker, has raised the decibel of his noise a notch higher so that he would have a ready-made defence of witch-hunting if he is indicted in the planned probe of Amnesty funds.”

Orubebe tries to block the shots but Oshiomhole is not backing down: “We are not unaware that it has now become the fad for drowning and neophyte politicians to take cheap shots at the impeccable character of the Comrade Governor just to gain cheap publicity. However, Orubebe’s image, as he himself knows, is beyond redemption. Is it not laughable that Orubebe, the clown, accused Oshiomhole of biting the fingers that fed him? Pray, how did Jonathan feed Oshiomhole? Did he feed Oshiomhole by supervising over a government that fleeced the nation of trillions of naira, thereby denying Edo State her rightful share of funds for development? Or did he feed Oshiomhole by canvassing votes for him!”

Round Four: Sensing victory, Oshiomhole throws combinations to the head of Orubube: “Our candid advice is for Orubebe, a perpetual failed governorship aspirant, to go to his family and apologise for the irreparable damage done to the family name with his infamous outburst beamed live to the whole world, before coming forward to confront Governor Adams Oshiomhole who is not in any way in the same class as him.”

The ref breaks them up by reminding Baba Osho that his weight class is intellectual lightweight – same as Orubebe.

The fight continues with Osho on the offensive: “It is no wonder that Nigeria was at a state of near collapse until President Muhammadu Buhari came on a rescue mission and rendered people like Orubebe irrelevant. Never again will characters like Orubebe take us on the path of Golgotha; never again will they hold sway in the affairs of Nigeria and ruin the collective aspiration of the people.” The bell rings to end the round.

Round Five: Orubebe goes on the attack: “I am proud to have been a vital instrument used by God to take the once abandoned East- West road project to an admirable 80 percent level of completion. It is unfortunate that our respected Niger Delta could produced the likes of Oshiomhole who is a garage boy that should be at the motor park as a son.”

He has Osho on the ropes and jabs away: “I will disgrace him publicly and tell the world about his dubious deeds as governor as well as his role in the botched Third Term Bid of former President Olusegun Obasanjo. I am going to open his can of worms to the point that Nigerians will stone him if seen on the streets. I don’t talk carelessly as I have my facts to prove my points.” As the bell rings, the ref instructs Orubebe to avoid low blows and present the facts.

Round Six: Orubebe is showing some lateral movement and punching from angles: “I’m laughing at him because, if there’s anyone who should bury his face in shame, it has to be Oshiomhole who disgraced, harassed and rough handled a poor widow who he should have ordinarily accommodated.”

As the ref wondered whether that punch was below the belt, Orubebe threw a right hook: “I maintain the fact that Oshiomhole is a popular villa sycophant, a garage boy and that PMB should be weary of him, if he must succeed and be really admired.”

At this point both fighters are out of gas and spend the remaining rounds snarling and circling each other, without landing any meaningful blows.

The bell rings to end the fight after 12 rounds of non-stop hot air. With no knockout, the decision goes to the judges.

Ladeeeez and gentlemen, we have a unanimous decision. It’s a draw – they both lose. They are both right about each other’s stupidity and wrong about what they say in self-praise. When two clowns fight, the crowd laughs at them and refuses to take them as seriously as they take themselves.

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